A Mighty Battle

Yesterday was rough. I’m not really sure why but it just was. We had family in town until yesterday morning and it was non stop activity for several days. Maybe I was exhausted, maybe I didn’t feel good, or maybe I’m just a basket case. Who knows?? What I do know however, is that I was a mess yesterday. I couldn’t help but keep reminding myself of all the things that I am not good at. I’m a terrible cook. I am NOT a super organized, volunteer oriented PTA mom. My house is a wreck most of the time. I’m not great at keeping up with our finances. I put my husband at the bottom of the priority totem pole and now I feel like I can’t grow healthy babies. I couldn’t help but think about all of the things that I should have done differently this pregnancy. Did I drink too much caffeine? Did I take the wrong kind of medication? Should I have eaten better? Talk about a Mack truck of emotion…and that particular truck hit me several times yesterday without warning. Like I said, it was rough. Yesterday was just a “hang on and get through the day in one piece” kind of day. Today I woke up feeling a little better. We have some very dear friends coming over to watch the Clemson game (Go Tigers!) and I had a lot of things on my to-do list to keep me occupied but something still just felt off. I feel melancholy and sad. Disconnected.

 I know that I have mentioned in previous posts about how disconnected I feel with Christ. I just feel alone. A couple of weeks ago one of my precious neighbors brought over a copy of “Jesus Calling.” What an amazing gift during this period in our lives! A daily reminder that He is still there and today  I needed that. I opened my devotion this morning and this is what I found:

“There is a might battle going on for control of your mind. Heaven and earth intersect in your mind; the tugs of both spheres influence your thinking.”

It went on to talk about how there is a constant battle going on for your mind and how a mind that is centered on the Spirit is filled with life and peace and how a mind that is centered on worry and worldly things weighs your down and will “block awareness of My presence.” Worry actually blocks the presence of God.  To worry is to not trust in the Lord. To worry is to sin. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; Romans 8:6.

There was the disconnection. That is where I was severing the presence of God from my life. I was letting the worry of the world win the battle for my mind. I would love to say that I am not going to worry anymore. I am not going to worry about the health of baby girl. I am not going to worry about money and finances. I am not going to worry about my job. Right… I think it is safe to say that the war wages on. The battle for my mind will not quit and worry will try to conquer again but ultimately Christ prevails and I just have to continue to seek Him. You might have to remind me of that every now and then…

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, Lord, I will seek.

Psalm 27:8

"Analysis Paralysis"

Last week I had some really great things to blog about. For starters, the amount of compassion and prayers our family has felt over the past several weeks cannot be described. We feel so blessed to have so many people that love us! We are feeling your prayers for sure. After I shared our story I almost immediately felt at peace. As a mom I don’t think the worry ever goes away completely but I began to be able to focus on what we have right now. Right now we have four beautiful children who are growing and thriving. This will change for baby girl after she gets here but for right now she is safe and she is thriving and she lets me know…a lot! The same day as our initial abnormal scan both her and brother decided it was time to start moving. I think they just knew that I needed to know that they were okay!

Another answered prayer were the results of the amniocentesis which came back NEGATIVE nor have I had any complications. We are overjoyed by this news! We now feel confident moving forward that the heart will be the issue and not just one of many.

Today, however, I am finding it a little bit more difficult to write. We had our appointment with the cardiologist on Tuesday and with all of the answered prayers we have witnessed lately I whole heartedly expected for them to tell me that she was healed and would be born happy and healthy. That didn’t happen…. Instead we got news worse that I think either of us was anticipating. Simply put, baby girl’s heart is just a mess. Not only is her heart flipped but her ventricles are flipped, the left ventricle is way smaller than the right, and all of her “plumbing“ is not going into the right places. There is also a massive hole in her heart and one of her valves is sitting in that hole which makes it really difficult to patch that hole up. The doctor said that unfortunately with her combination of defects there is no right answer on how to fix it. She said more than likely after she is born the first couple of weeks will be testing and discussion on what the best way to fix it is. She said to expect at least 4-6weeks in the ICU’s after she is born then multiple surgeries and smaller procedures over several years after that.

What does this mean for her? What will her life look like? The doctor told us to expect her to not feed or grow as well, to expect developmental delays, and that her heart will never function like a normal heart. Our daughter will never be an athlete. She will always be restricted in her activities. The sky is not the limit for her…her heart is.

I wish that I had some profound, eloquent words for how I was processing this but I don’t. At this moment I am just taking it one minute at a time. If I think about the future I become overwhelmed. A nurse I worked with called this “analysis paralysis.”  As a mom I already feel spread so thin. Loving and caring for one child through all of this seems impossible enough. How do I love and care for her without neglecting my other children in the process? Ellie is so sensitive and Jack just needs his momma so much. Not to mention the demands baby boy will have just being a normal healthy newborn. Throw in a full-time job and that sounds like a one way ticket to the nut house! Right now I just have to trust in God’s word. I have to trust that tomorrow will be taken care of and all I have to face right now is today. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” Matthew 6:34.  And today…today I have four children who are thriving and growing, two birthdays to plan, and a pile of laundry a mile wide! Please keep the prayers coming!